Confessions of a Popcorn Player

“You’re not single because you have options” my friend told me. Well, then I haven't been single since puberty. I have an ex that still calls to “hang out” even though more time has passed since we ended than we spent as a couple. With past flames like this and even some new prospects, I've been contemplating my course of action as a single man and realized: it’s been 10 years since my high school sweetheart and first love began, but I’ve been completely single and unattached (read: no booty calls) for only 10 of those months. Those 10 months came in the form of a 3 month “drought” following a split, a 5 month “break” to get over that bad split, and the current 2 month “hiatus”. Outside of those times, I’ve never gone more than about a month without getting some skin. In past months I'd even rotated through the current roster with each getting their own weekend. Maybe I should call Rachel, Kalika, Jamie, or Holly and ask what rehab Tiger checked into? I'm not a bad guy by any stretch. I just get trapped in my own world and simply choose not to care. Some people call it jaded, but there's always a moment of conscious choice when you know the positive path and choose to go the other way. Mine has always involved my utterance of the phrase, “fuck it”. It was Mae West who said, “When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better.” Don't get me wrong, these girls knew the drill. Nothing more was ever promised and they even knew about some of the others and called me anyways. I don't think for one second that I was their only option either. I'm not saying I didn't hurt them, because I did, but I also cared about them more than I let on. I knew I didn't want to be with them long term, but couldn't say that. The reason you decide to have sex with someone isn't always the same reason you continue to have sex with them. Gallivanting around with different women actually drains me. These past few years, I have preferred not to date because when I did, more than half ended with me in her bed that night and the rest had me there by the end of that first week. My problem: if I don't have a reason to say “no”, then I don't. Believe it or not, I prefer faithful relationships but I can accept casual. I love to cuddle in bed all morning. The best is to wake up to her laying there watching you sleep. She flashes a smile, goes in for a kiss, and the rest is how the magic happens. When you wake up to your casual fling staring, you can't help but wonder, “What the hell are you looking at!?!” Like most men of substance, I want more than just sex. Naturally, my male friends have been after me to rebound. It does help get over unrequited love and believe me, I have some quality opportunities. But rather than get involved, I decided it's best to take a hiatus and focus on developing myself. If I could mix parts of all the girls I've been with, I'd have an amazing woman, perfect even, but none alone were the one for me. If great came along tomorrow, how many of us are truly ready and can actually put in the work necessary to sustain a great relationship? Being with that person yet having to put your phone on silent to avoid explaining a call or text message at 4 AM doesn't promote the idea that's what you ultimately want. Life is all about perspective. I feel a hiatus is exactly what I need. But some see me as heartbroken and forlorn from my past failures, needing time to rebuild myself. The way I talk, others wonder if I'm keeping uninvolved in the hopes the last one realizes my greatness and returns. A friend questioned if I was jaded at yet another failure and perhaps I'm tired of getting hurt. I joke it'll be 6 months penance for my sins. My truth is I want to focus on other, more important things and simply don't want or need a woman in my life right now. Months from now, when my hiatus ends I know I will be better prepared to meet and create something great. Dating, like life, has to do with free will. I believe things really do happen for a reason. Fate is the universe conspiring to send people into our lives to teach us lessons we need to learn, if we're able to truly listen. But in the end, fate only brings you so far and we each have to choose to ride on the wings of destiny. *Originally posted on Lovemionline.com on February 22, 2010. http://www.lovemionline.com/index.php/RuMANating-Intercourse/man-confessions-sex-love.html